Creating a Monster by Linda Johnson
29th June 2002
Do you ever get the feeling that you've bitten off more than you can chew? Are responsibilities overwhelming you?
My problem has always been wanting to help everybody. I can turn my hand to many different things so when people asked me to do something I would always say yes. No matter how many things I was already doing and how much time, effort and money it would cost me I would take on more and more. I always thought somebody would appreciate my efforts. They rarely did.
So the more things I would take on, the more I thought somebody would care. People like I was are very easy to manipulate with a kind word, and one gesture of appreciation has you taking on even more. It's a form of addiction... the martyr... the sucker. Children could sense my weakness and babysitting was a nightmare.
I could never just be on the sidelines of any organisation - even if I tried. I am a naturally organised person and if you are naturally organised you'll know what I mean when I say you cannot stand back and watch people doing something badly that you could do yourself in five minutes. I would bite my tongue and try not to get involved but eventually I did and then take on more and more work.
If the work was geared to a specific event I could at least extricate myself from it at the end, but if it was an ongoing group or committee it was a painful separation.
For a while I worked for myself, but spent so much of my time and money on 'freebies' for other peoples organisations and charged so little for my work I eventually had to go and work for someone else who wasn't afraid to charge.
The crunch came for me one cold winter's night. My little business was working out of my garage. A woman, who was the head of the committee I was currently giving my life to, promised to come around at 7.30pm to go over some more unpaid work I had to do for her. Wanting to be there for her, I didn't have my own dinner, and waited in my office with the garage door open so she could find her way in the dark. I waited and waited, shivering and hungry.
At 10.30pm she showed up smelling of garlic with no explanation and started telling me all the things she wanted me to do. She even wanted me to ring other committee members at that hour to work on things for her, which I declined to do. I was quite annoyed. However the next day I was talking to one of the local restaurant owners who mentioned that this woman been in there for dinner the night before having a lovely time. This time I saw red. I was so angry that this person thought so little of me that I wasn't even worth a phone call. Well stuff you!
No more Ms Nice Guy. I was not going to be walked all over and treated like that again. I spoke up at committee meetings. I said things other people were too scared to say. What was I scared of anyway? What was she going to do - sack me? When the event was over I resigned from the committee. My husband and I had spent all our savings and all of our time on their event, which was a resounding success. We received very little acknowledgement and no payment but walked away knowing how much we had achieved. My little business was broke and everybody else just carried on as normal and didn't give us a second thought... and I let it happen.
It was time to take a stand. It was time to learn to say NO. Mind you it took a while to wean myself away from groups of people wanting my time and expertise. Each time they took far more than I had wanted to give and I learned a bit more.
So what is it that drives us to this sort of martyrdom, and how can we achieve a balance without being cold hearted?
THE CO-DEPENDENT PATTERN
I realise that much of my need to do things for people (even many of the relationships I chose) stemmed from my own low self-esteem and a need to be loved and appreciated. I'm sure many women can relate to this, and indeed I tend to attract them to my courses.
You need to be appreciated - they need somebody to run around and take care of all the details. This is co-dependence in action. Accompanying this pattern is also the thought that you have no value therefore you never ask for, or are offered, anything in return for your work.
So how do you break this cycle? The first step is knowing your value. If someone else came to you complaining that nobody appreciated them and they worked for a pittance, you would ask them "Why do you do it?" "Why do you let them get away with it?" "Why don't you speak up for yourself?" Well, there's a little voice inside of you that is asking you the same questions. Be brutally honest with yourself. If you had to hire someone who could do all the things you do - whether at home, work, or on committees - what would it cost?
Here's a little affirmation for you: Look in the mirror every day and tell yourself "I am a valuable person. I will not be exploited. I choose to keep all giving and receiving in balance".
Once you start to 'feel' what you're saying and 'know' you have a value, this is when you can really start making a difference to your life. This is when you will negotiate a wage that reflects the value of your skills, or offer to help to a point where other people also pitch in, or not be used as a doormat in a relationship.... or say NO to something that does not suit you without feeling any guilt. This is when you start bringing everything into balance.... work, money, relationships, self esteem.
And do you know something? People will like you more! All the people that used you in the past will either give you your due or go away, and new people you meet will like you because you are confident. When you are not 'needy' you will attract other confident people rather than those responding to your co-dependent need to be used.
And the best thing is, you won't care if somebody doesn't like you. You will no longer think it's because you did something wrong. People are all on different wavelengths and you will mingle with those on your wavelength and let the others do their thing.
So...
1. Know Your Value - or say your affirmation until you do!
2. Stand Your Ground - don't allow emotional blackmail or inner guilt to influence you.
3. Follow Your Inner Guidance about what to take on and what to charge for your time.
4. Be Confident in your choice and don't waver.
WANTING TO HELP OTHERSAs I started getting my life into balance, I attracted my soul mate (my husband), got a job I liked and a nice little house. I was learning to say NO and to follow my guidance about what to take on, and what to charge for my work.
Although I was no longer influenced through low self-esteem, I was still guided to help others, but in more of a spiritual way. I had a few spiritual study groups but became frustrated as the students just wanted to drink coffee and play with the ouija board and ask the same questions every week. I felt there was so much more out there that could help them and eventually finished the group. I was learning to draw the line.
When I discovered the internet in late 1995 I just knew it was the way of the future. I looked for Australian information and could find none, but there was a large overseas site called Spiritweb which inspired me to start my own - NewAge On-Line Australia. I wanted to gather information for everyone - be an umbrella for everybody else's writing. Make a central hub for everyone to come to. From having no idea how to make a web page to having an online site took 3 months of frantic typing by myself and a friend to make the initial site. We got permission from some of the Australian magazines to reproduce their articles thereby sharing them with the world.
One thing people like about the internet is that it's free. Nobody expected to pay anything for information and we just kept adding more and more for them. In the early days of ISP's I was being charged $600 per month on my credit card to keep the site online. Throughout the life of the site I was working 2 other jobs to cover the costs and then trying to squeeze in the updating and typing in my 'leisure time'.
To this day, many new age business don't see the value of advertising on the internet, and without the resources to market to them we just kept covering the costs ourselves. Our few paying advertisers covered our postage stamps and the coffee to keep us awake - we thank them dearly.
Over the next seven years, the site grew and grew. My friend grew bored and dropped out and my husband did the office work but there was still much for me to do online. I felt driven - somebody had to do it. Forty or fifty e-mails a day to sort through - people wanting free listings, people wanting links, people wanting me to promote something for them, people asking questions. I did my best to answer them all and in between that and the 2 jobs continued to update the site.
I also had people wanting to sue me because an old link was still online, people demanding to know why their free listing hadn't been put up, people telling me of the services and sections I should be offering them, and people taking our name and starting other empty sites of a similar name for what I can only presume was to capitalise on all our hard work. The hit rates were around 200,000 a week and the stress levels were rising. I'm sure most of the visitors thought there was some sort of corporation behind this site but it was just me in my back room burning the midnight oil. I no longer had time for a life.
I could not go away without having to get someone to babysit the e-mail and message board. I had created a monster. This site OWNED me. It had become like a giant anchor, yet it was my creation and I couldn't see anyone else putting the effort into it that I had. But every now and again I would get a nice message from someone thanking me and I'd be inspired to carry on.
In my attempt to make something for everyone - to include them all - I was stretching myself so thin it was now affecting my own spiritual development. When did I have time to meditate, to work on myself, to sit in the sunshine, to do all the things I wanted to do? All my energy was again being syphoned off to others.
The crunch came through my ascension work, when messages from the Earth Mother confirmed what I was already feeling. The etheric ties through this site were not only stopping any further spiritual growth for us, but actually draining so much energy it was causing physical problems. I knew I had to finish the site.
Once the decision was made and I started the etheric dismantling I felt as if a great weight was already lifting from me. On Friday 28 June 2002 the change was made and the old site vanished in the physical to be replaced by a small ascension site that will evolve with me. The internet now is so full of new age and metaphysical information that the loss of my old site will not be a major problem.
I am no longer trying to be all things to all people. I will follow my truth, my guidance, and do what I came here to do. I will assist others who are awakening to contact their own truth and guidance but will no longer make any attachments to or from them. The people that will be attracted to my site, courses and information now, will be those ready to start working on themselves.
I could not teach others about releasing attachments while I was still holding on to the monsters I created. Monsters devour all your energy and the more you give the more they take. They will never be satisfied - and neither will you.
How many monsters are you hanging on to?
Copyright 2002 Linda Johnson www.newage.com.au